Quiet

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

At school, you might have been prodded to "come out of your shell", that noxious expression that fails to appreciate that some animals naturally carry shelter everywhere they go, and that some humans are just the same.

There are two ways in which I could rate this book. In terms of how well-argued and well-balanced it is, I might give it 3 or 4 stars. But from the standpoint of how much it helped me to be ok with myself, I'd give it close to 5 stars.

This book sets out to defend the value of introversion from a culture that pushes extroversion as the ideal. It's not a dichotomy of hermits vs. partygoers. Rather, it's about how people have different optimal levels of external stimulation, with extroverts thriving at a level of stimulation that tends to wear out introverts, and introverts thriving in low-key situations that extroverts might find boring. It's a spectrum, though, and one of the surprising and valuable things I learned is that I'm not as extreme an introvert as I once thought. The book also points out that introversion and extroversion are not the only things that determine whether someone seems friendly or shy, because other factors (e.g., anxiety, acting, etc) can play a deciding role.

The book begins with a fascinating history of how Americans came to be obsessed with winning friends and influencing people, and critiques this mentality with abundant evidence for why introversion is both natural and useful. I was surprised to learn that introversion can be pretty reliably predicted based on infant behavior, with highly-reactive infants likely to become introverted adults. I was equally surprised to learn that even birds and fish seem to have some version of extroverted and introverted individuals, with each type flourishing under different environmental conditions. I like the idea of different evolutionary niches for different personality types, which collectively help make the species more successful and robust. Needless to say, this still applies to humans no matter how many times we're told - by parents, teachers, bosses, and the media - that everyone should aspire to be vocal and gregarious and thick-skinned. Humanity needs sensitive, thoughtful, observant types just as much.

A lot of the book is devoted to strategies for how introverts can make the best use of "quiet power", in the workplace and at home. A few of the highlights:
- Introverts make good leaders for active workers.
- Open office plans are the work of the devil (i.e., harmful, exhausting, and distracting) and should be avoided.
- Everyone needs to find "restorative niches" during the day, which are situations where a person is able to recharge in their own way.
- Introverts and extroverts obviously approach conflict differently. What's a sign of respect for an extrovert can be terrifying for an introvert. But by keeping in mind what the other person is feeling, a middle ground can be reached.

But what I found most useful was the simple acknowledgment of introverted thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In social situations, I used to have a constant internal background chatter of self-loathing, but this book did a lot to counteract that.
"Ugh, why do you always sit in the corner at meetings and have so little to say? Because from here I can observe both the speaker and the audience, and the fact that I think about my words means that people actually pay attention when I say something." "Ugh, why can you never join big conversations at parties? Because I don't enjoy big conversations. And that's fine. I'm sure there's someone here with whom I can have a more in-depth one-on-one conversation. The loudest fastest voices don't always have the most interesting things to say."

It's not a perfect book, though. Its discussion/praise of non-Western cultures is a bit shallow, and I suspect correlation and causation were mixed up as a result. Also, I would have liked to see more exploration of the downsides of being an introvert, and how a person might handle those issues. It talks a lot about the fear of public speaking, which the author struggled with for a long time. While the book gives useful advice for how to deal with that (talk about things you're passionate about, prepare well, and treat it as a creative exercise), that's not the only (or even the biggest) internal struggle that an introvert is likely to have.

Even so, this book had a positive impact on me. It left me happy that I'm an introvert; I like to listen and observe and imagine. It also left me happy that there are extroverts in my life, who bring people together and who prod me with emails, texts, and phone calls at times when I'm prone to vanish too deeply inside my own head.

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