young and abstract, and consequently cruel

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The first time I picked up this book, I got about 50 pages in before giving up. I put it away in the corner of a shelf, where it collected dust for years. But unlike most books that I chose not to finish, I knew that one day I was going to come back. Because I didn't stop reading because I was bored. I stopped because I was the opposite of bored. The book's zig-zagging torrents of thoughts and feelings were so dismaying but so relatable so that I was having Raskolnikov's thoughts before he had them himself. And given where those thoughts were leading him - which you can guess from the title - it wasn't a particularly comfortable position to be in.

The crime part of the book is brief and inevitable. A murder is planned and committed, and the murderer escapes. The punishment is long and unpredictable, but it's not a punishment from an external authority: it's the torture that the murderer, Raskolnikov, puts himself through. Acquaintances' innocuous comments transform into veiled treats that torment him. He's torn between protecting and pushing away his family. He constructs precarious justifications for himself that threaten to collapse on him at any moment.

But as these things happen, there are moments when his empathy and generosity shine through - and you want things to somehow not end terribly. Because really, even though we're not murderers, we've also done things we shouldn't have, and have had to struggle with what to do after.

Svidrigailov, a philanderer that Raskolnikov crosses paths with, finds that being honest about his poor deeds gives him some measure of peace in his life. But Raskolnikov finds that honesty about one's wrongdoing is only half of the equation, if the wounds inflicted on himself and others are to have any chance of healing. Honesty only opens the door to the pain of self-examination and slow process of atonement and, most of all, reconnection. As Lazarus - whose story is mentioned several times - was resurrected in part because his sisters believed it was possible, Raskolnikov's recovery depends on whether he is able to accept the love of the people who believe there is still good in him. It can be hard to guess how far he - or anyone - is willing to go.

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